crazynezs

yes im crazy most of the time. and yeah i act crazy.so what?im the type of person that i do whatever i think will make me happy. i don't care what other people will say or think of me. but of course i value and will respect what my friends & family will think. and i know that whatever i do they will not judge me because they know who the real ICE is.

for the past months i know i've been acting a lil CRAZY<>. there were moments that i feel sad not knowing exactly what's the reason.moments i felt like crying not because im hurt, but because i think that would make me feel better. I don't really understand. i guess i'm emotionally battered? im looking for something that im really not sure what is it.

But i know where all this is coming from.. these are all happening because of my failed relationship with ****.

i don't see myself with him anymore. but there were expectations, plans that we made.. that almost made my world. that i looked forward to in my life and the time our relationship ended. I didnt know where to start, how to start over. I can say i really am over him. but that doesn't mean things will go back to normal. it's been what? 8 months since that happened. and it didnt took me a long time to get back to my feet and go on with my life. But there are some aspect in my life that still needs some healing.

I know that whatever is happening in my life now,how i treat things. how i see things. how i decide are all result of that failure. Im not directly pointing finger to ****. what im saying is that incident had a great impact of what i am now.

i have different ways to cope up--- shopping. sleeping.partying. and then i learned to get drunk. and yeah be drunk.. there where times that i drink 2x a weekfor a couple of months- i didn't tell my friends i was really hurting.. because that time for me "crying" is a sign of weakness which is totally contradictory to my personality because i've always been a crybaby. that i cried over the smallest of things. but at that point i didnt. i didnt cry even in secret, i know im hurt yes but i didnt and cannot admit it and i didnt want to cry. i dont want to shed a single drop of tear. i was mad at the situation. but i did not admit it. there are things i used to do when im lonely that i did not do because im on a denial that i'm hurt.on a denial that for the NTH time i was fooled. and for the NTH time im ALONE again..

since october i didnt cry until MARCH? thanks to my bro's prob. and i will admit that i somehow used that incident to pour all the bottled up emotions.actually it was the tear jerker. i felt that its about time i cry. time to really let go of the bitterness , let go of the pain.

I had another relationship that lasted WOW.. its not even 3 months. GREATNEZS. i quited because i felt i was taken for granted. i dont want to have things happen again --- ok i'm a quitter, i just felt it won't worth the try so i had to let go. and i felt that ++++ is somehow in doubt of my feelings for him. and i dont like that. -- im such a manipulative bitch-- i cannot manipulate him. i cant have him do what i want. he has a stronger personality than i have.--lol
seriously, i think since we decided to be a couple ... the spark went out... i felt he lost his sense of humor.. he didnt , he cannot appreciate that small things that can make me happy. my friends know me--(sooper babaw ako na tao). he will always contradict the things i say.we dont agree even to small things.- i knew that we were in the relationship because.

and now im on my way to nothingnesz--- i have no concrete plans for my life.. i was talking to my lola last night about me going to "cali" but i didnt feel anything. no EXCITEMENT. and my dad was like..." im not aware of what your lola is talking about. we will still talk about it with your titos." i said "alright". i dont know exactly what i want to happen now. im literally takin life one day at a time.i take every second every minute and every hour of it.senseless right?

Im totally wrecked..
overly exhausted.


my feelings now are on limbo.i dont know where i should be. im starting to fall for someone that i should not be falling for in the first place.

to wrap this up...

im in my life where i only see what i want to see. hear things that i want to hear. and feel things that i want to feel. IM SELFISH.

and i want to cry.
i want to shout
i want to express myself
i want to be the OLD ice because im really a different person now, and im not liking what im becoming.