outta work

ive been out of work for 3 days. and a little excited to go back, well not really. what did i do with that 3 days. hmm more sleep. ii went out with a friend but didnt really enjoyed it i dunno. i know that there's a lot going on with me and im on a denial. . a lot of things are on my mind now. but i dint how to put it into words. yes im out of words. i dont know where to start.

hmm.. okey okey. i miss him. and i think about him everyday. but i dont have anybody to have this emotions out. i dont want my coworkers to know that im struggling. i dont want them to know that im infact affected still affected. i dont want them to know that he still matters to me, that i still long for the day that things will be the way it used to be.hoping for the day that we will be able to talk. laugh again. and spend time together again.

emptinesz

i was able to see him today! i dont know why i feel so sad- that i feel the need of someone's company. it is true that it is so hard to move on when you are moving around the same place with the person that you want to get over with! i hate it!


i just want to scream from frustrations. i cannot say . i do not want to admit that i've really fallen. i hate it1

another open letter

*****,


its been two months that we are not talking. i want to know what you're thinking. i want to know what you feel everytime you see. i want to know if i still matter.

i try to deny that im nothing for you. i deny that you can go on. im hurt when thought comes that we are back to being stranger the worst part is that we cannot even look at eachother.

i wish i can just turn back time. and prevented this thing from happening. we should've have prevented this from happening.

i miss the times we laughed together. miss the times we hold hands. and just stared at eachother. i miss the stares you gave me-- though sometimes it made me uncomfortable. but id rather have those stares. than being so lonely like this.

i hate the feeling!

i hate the feeling. i really hate the confusion you're giving me...


i hate the game! i hate it..

i received a text again. and another confusion..


i really hate it.


i really hate

i just need to focus

i want to explode!

--- last text message i got from ANONYMOUS

-- " anyway time will tell kung kelan talaga kita dapat kausapin.. not now kelangan ko pang maghanda..okie, take care always."


so it that him? i really want to cry. i dont know who to share this with. i do not really have proofs - strong proofs to say that it was him ..

i might be mistakenly interpret all the messages!

he's not really man enough ! i hate him for that!

venting out!

no one knows i have this blog. I have account in FRIENDSTER, MULTIPLY, FACEBOOK EVEN IN RINGO i dont know where else. i cannot put this in friendster because I know a lot of people will be able to read this. and i dont really want them to know how am doing..


IM A GREAT PRETENDER

im pretending that Im happy. sad? right? and i hate it... i wanted to open up. but i dont want them to think im weak. and i know that they'll tell me that i shouldn't be feeling like that way. in short .. if i tell them im infact affected with the things around the blame will all be mine!. and i just dont want them to know that while the "guy " involve is living his life here i am.. sufferring.. and stil;l moving on!



i try to mask the feeling but there's this one person that triggers all the emotions to bubble up!! funny thing about it is that i dont really know hu he is! how?

here goes:


few week ago i received text message from UNKNOWN number. = number that is not stored in my phone! the message was like all EMO. talking about emotions. love and how hard it is to love. or i should stop loving the person who i think loves me in return. which kinda" praning". i asked him hu is he? but i did not get the answer that i wanted instead he continued to shower me with those emo quotes.. i didnt give much attention because he's probably one of those trippers and i do not have time for that!


and then the day before yesterday.. he texted me again. but this time it is more conversational.
at the middle of the night i got a "hi" message from him. he rang my phone that made my brother came up to my mom's room where at that time im asleep. so yeah- i replied hu is this?

he did not tell his name. and i hate it. but he knows me. he knows me very well i supposed - and that made me more intrigued. with how the way our conversation goes. i had a lot of people in mind that im guessing are just making fun of the situation.

well to start of. TEXTING -- or more of anonymous texting is very much on the rise in my circle of friends. i dunno who would do this to me! but i hate that he's making me feel so lonely.

" im glad sa text nakakusap kita"-
" nahihiya kasi ako sau sa tagl ng di ntin paguusap"

i hope this is him.

yeah i miss him.

i miss him a lot

but i dont want to be transparent or i dont want to be the first one to come up to him and make PEACE-- it's not pride it is self-respect!

i'll see him tonight in the office. and i dont want to project a sad aura!
i want to cry?! i want to let all the bottled up emotion out.. but there is no tears to cry .. no guts to try!

as JOKAI once told me " you should first love yourself ice"
and i should. I must do that.


message to you:

if ever it's you. you are not helping me.. you just made me feel more frustrated. and if ever all the things you've said are all true.. then im glad that it wasnt that easy for you after all.. atleast im not the only one strugling. - ice

♥