outta work

ive been out of work for 3 days. and a little excited to go back, well not really. what did i do with that 3 days. hmm more sleep. ii went out with a friend but didnt really enjoyed it i dunno. i know that there's a lot going on with me and im on a denial. . a lot of things are on my mind now. but i dint how to put it into words. yes im out of words. i dont know where to start.

hmm.. okey okey. i miss him. and i think about him everyday. but i dont have anybody to have this emotions out. i dont want my coworkers to know that im struggling. i dont want them to know that im infact affected still affected. i dont want them to know that he still matters to me, that i still long for the day that things will be the way it used to be.hoping for the day that we will be able to talk. laugh again. and spend time together again.

emptinesz

i was able to see him today! i dont know why i feel so sad- that i feel the need of someone's company. it is true that it is so hard to move on when you are moving around the same place with the person that you want to get over with! i hate it!


i just want to scream from frustrations. i cannot say . i do not want to admit that i've really fallen. i hate it1

another open letter

*****,


its been two months that we are not talking. i want to know what you're thinking. i want to know what you feel everytime you see. i want to know if i still matter.

i try to deny that im nothing for you. i deny that you can go on. im hurt when thought comes that we are back to being stranger the worst part is that we cannot even look at eachother.

i wish i can just turn back time. and prevented this thing from happening. we should've have prevented this from happening.

i miss the times we laughed together. miss the times we hold hands. and just stared at eachother. i miss the stares you gave me-- though sometimes it made me uncomfortable. but id rather have those stares. than being so lonely like this.

i hate the feeling!

i hate the feeling. i really hate the confusion you're giving me...


i hate the game! i hate it..

i received a text again. and another confusion..


i really hate it.


i really hate

i just need to focus

i want to explode!

--- last text message i got from ANONYMOUS

-- " anyway time will tell kung kelan talaga kita dapat kausapin.. not now kelangan ko pang maghanda..okie, take care always."


so it that him? i really want to cry. i dont know who to share this with. i do not really have proofs - strong proofs to say that it was him ..

i might be mistakenly interpret all the messages!

he's not really man enough ! i hate him for that!

venting out!

no one knows i have this blog. I have account in FRIENDSTER, MULTIPLY, FACEBOOK EVEN IN RINGO i dont know where else. i cannot put this in friendster because I know a lot of people will be able to read this. and i dont really want them to know how am doing..


IM A GREAT PRETENDER

im pretending that Im happy. sad? right? and i hate it... i wanted to open up. but i dont want them to think im weak. and i know that they'll tell me that i shouldn't be feeling like that way. in short .. if i tell them im infact affected with the things around the blame will all be mine!. and i just dont want them to know that while the "guy " involve is living his life here i am.. sufferring.. and stil;l moving on!



i try to mask the feeling but there's this one person that triggers all the emotions to bubble up!! funny thing about it is that i dont really know hu he is! how?

here goes:


few week ago i received text message from UNKNOWN number. = number that is not stored in my phone! the message was like all EMO. talking about emotions. love and how hard it is to love. or i should stop loving the person who i think loves me in return. which kinda" praning". i asked him hu is he? but i did not get the answer that i wanted instead he continued to shower me with those emo quotes.. i didnt give much attention because he's probably one of those trippers and i do not have time for that!


and then the day before yesterday.. he texted me again. but this time it is more conversational.
at the middle of the night i got a "hi" message from him. he rang my phone that made my brother came up to my mom's room where at that time im asleep. so yeah- i replied hu is this?

he did not tell his name. and i hate it. but he knows me. he knows me very well i supposed - and that made me more intrigued. with how the way our conversation goes. i had a lot of people in mind that im guessing are just making fun of the situation.

well to start of. TEXTING -- or more of anonymous texting is very much on the rise in my circle of friends. i dunno who would do this to me! but i hate that he's making me feel so lonely.

" im glad sa text nakakusap kita"-
" nahihiya kasi ako sau sa tagl ng di ntin paguusap"

i hope this is him.

yeah i miss him.

i miss him a lot

but i dont want to be transparent or i dont want to be the first one to come up to him and make PEACE-- it's not pride it is self-respect!

i'll see him tonight in the office. and i dont want to project a sad aura!
i want to cry?! i want to let all the bottled up emotion out.. but there is no tears to cry .. no guts to try!

as JOKAI once told me " you should first love yourself ice"
and i should. I must do that.


message to you:

if ever it's you. you are not helping me.. you just made me feel more frustrated. and if ever all the things you've said are all true.. then im glad that it wasnt that easy for you after all.. atleast im not the only one strugling. - ice

♥

been two months.

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im not really dying... though i have to be honest part of me indeed died because of what happend recently... I knew it was coming.. but never did i imagined that it'll be this tough, this hard!


i see him almost everyday but unlike before... now i dont have the freedom to look at him not because im not allowed to but because i chose not to. It is so hard for you not to throw glances.arrghgh...and wishing not to be caught what makes it more difficult?! You share the same friends. so it is so impossible not to hear anything about him. not to know what's up with him... not that i hate it. it's JUST THAT somehow that sitch is making it harder. isnt that kewl?

open letter

Hi! I'm sorry if somehow you thought my actions were a lil offensive-- i didn't mean it. and im really sorry about that.im explaining because i don't want you think that i did not respect you and your relationship. about the friendster account? it was out of fun. it started when we were teasing ***** about how good he sings. and we thought of coming up with a "fans club" since im the most "friendster addict" i volunteered to do it. it was really out fun.everybody was like " naku sige baka sumikat yan si ***** atleast tau una nya fan" i didnt realized that it cud affect you in one way or another.. about the status? i thought it won't be a big deal so i didnt give much attention to it. since all the people in our office knows *****'s taken. and it's friendster. so i just leave it that way, i didnt bother to change it.. and everyone or most of them knows that i made the account and ***** has his own. so its more like trippings lng talaga. and im sorry kung iba ung naging dating nun sa'yo.

sa voicemessage, ***** is a friend. and it is a simple greeting.i dont have to explain why i did it , because thats the way i do things. especially to close friends. ***** is such a gentleman, and he is not the kind who'll take advantage of girls. and i know you know that. kaya palagay ung loob sa boyfriend mo dahil alam ko na indi xa ung tipo ng lalake na mag tatake advantage. and ***** is so vocal when it comes to his feelings towards you.we know how much he loves you.

yun lang. im sorry talaga. i didnt mean any harm. and please don't think na im tyring to ruin whatever you have.. because i have no single intention of doing that. babae din ako. and im not like that.

overviewed pain

i know it's coming-- very soon .. real soon...

we became closer than ever.-
from the simple hi and hello
came kulitan.
now? we almost embrace eachother, hold hands,
and we vocally tell each other to take care. or simply tell eachother how we like eachother in different ways.
some people around us (i know) are starting to give their own " pretty strong" opinion about the "friendship" we share. and i know some of them are doing it out of care. and some are just nosy enough.

i dont know what to feel.. i dont know how to react on the situation that im in---- i love what i'm doing i mean... it makes me feel good.. im happpy when im with him. im feel special whenevr he shows me that i should be treated better,

i know he was jealous last day when i accidentally went a wrong message to him.. the message was for a guy friend. and texted me to stand up from my station and just smile which i didnt do.but i had a feeling that if i smile it will lighten uo the feeling he is feeling. watever it is.

i dont want to cry.. but i know im hurting. because i know i cant really have him./ and i know that from the very beginning. and it is me to blame why im hurting right now. im glad, happy that i know somehow he appreciate me. and i know that even before i felt that i like him. he already like me. which flatters me all the time... as in everytime i think about it.because i never thought that someone like him would really find me attractive.

i like the way he touches my face. the way he puts his arms around me.( without really having the intention of hugging me). the way he looks at me. or i like it everytime i caught him staring at me.

i like everything about him. and im sure about that. it just not like him

i adore him, i really like him.

the sad thing?

it will be just like that.. nothing more

we will just continue wit the friendship kesa sa wala...

overwhelmed

im overwhelmed by the situation..

let me share it..
here goes..

i didnt notice him the first time i set foot in 12th floor. im talking about the very first time. maybe because i was preoccupied by the task that was given to us that i wasn't able to pay attention to the people around me.
the next time i was on that floor . i sure noticed him, there was something about him that attracted me. but it wasnt really for long. because i learned that a friend of mine had a crush on him. so i didnt entertain that thought of me diggin on him as well. so whenever i see him there was a gush of emotion but it wasnt like the way i felt for hugzNkisses. it was a simple " yeah i like him"

then i found out that he asked for my number from one of the 'L2's' but he gave it to his friend. and blah. then finally. We got to know eachother because we are in the same account. same team..but before that seeing him in the same class as mine brought a 'kilig factor' ofcors. he wasnt the type to really make an effort to say hi. but whenever we bumped into eachother we exchanged smile. but that was it. until one day i dunno what came into me that i approached him and i make kulit. im asking him to sing. but ofcors he ddnt do it. that how it started. then we were in the same team. we weren't that close yet when we first have our team it was more like casual closeness.

then ofcors we shared lots of good laughs. having the most wackiest,hilarious boys in cricket. darn it was full of good laugh.

after team building.i knew there was somthing. because i always caught him staring. more of a blank stare. and i learned that he still remembers what i was wearing the first time he saw me..
and he told me that he knew i like hugzNkisses way back turbotax days, he even told me that he's asking things bout me.( i didnt give malice to that because i know that his friend tried to hit on me.) so my reason actually his reason as well is because of that friend that is why he was interested on me. and never in my entire dream have i thought that somebody like him will actually be interested on me. so yeah.

then the million dollar question came up. ' WHO'S YOUR CRUSH' yeah . he has a crush .it started when he told me that its hard for him to have a crush.and that he's holding back . so i made kulit again about it. then he described the girl as mabait. maganda magsmile.maganda lumakad.

and in deed it was ME.

wowness. isnt that exciting.?


that explains everything. the stare. the getures.everything..
so we became a lil more close.. like we make 'harutan' in our bay- or he'd come to my station and vice versa--

until one day.... i had a talk with his 'co- lagkitan' boys-theysaid that prolly he was just being a gentleman to me that is why whenever i make kulit he cant push me away. ... and i felt real bad about it.as in i was supah affected by those 'statements.' one said that she felt ' umiwas xa' when i was asking him to sit beside me.. that when it was happening i didnt felt that way becoz he was actually makin me come to him instead.but still it hit me. darn bad.so i decided its is time for me to stay away. i dont want my co-workers to think that im makin all the effort - and im going a mile or maybe- flirting with him.so i wasnt really in the mood- or i was depressed- still depressed even after sleeping. or what not. i went to the office with a very not so good feeling,. then i saw them in front of our office havong their cigar break.the usual thingthat wud happen is that i wud join them, but i didnt instead,, i went straight upstairs, but i said hi to everyone.

then when they were upstairs.. he approached me and asked me whats wrong. i said nothing. he was too patient to comfort me.. or just talk to me..it wasnt really like total iwas. its just staying away ... like i wont make harutan with him. but he was very persistent.he wud touch my hair. assured me that he will be listening if ever i want to talk about it... it felt gud atleast my coworkers knows that im not the one hu always make lapit.

and then -- he wud always make lapit na.. like every aux training or what not.. he wud sit beside me.or spend the rest of the time with me. .. and then a friend of mine told me that she needs to talk to me.i know what it is about.. then she asked me.. what is the real score . becoz another friend thinks that there is something between us.( w/c is so not true) and i learned that someone knows about his CRUSH. and one of my friend actually knows about it.wheeew.and she has a pretty strong opinion of the what we so called friendship i share with 'it'


here is the thing---

i dont have plans of ruining anything. its either his discipline or his relationship.
im just enjoying his company. we are enjoying eachoders company.

i know that u are concern about me and i thank you for that. it just shows that it's not just the boys that we share.. it is FRIENDSHIP.

whhh00ah

i dont know how to describe the situation i'm into... i find it funny tho' it's like there is one thing in my life that is happening again the difference.. i'm the "other woman"...

wow. i cannot believe im in this situation. and im the one who's being asked "cno ka?" i dont mean any harm.. or ok.. im guilty. yes. but im mean her bf did something.something. ok it's cheating.. but more like half way cheating.. not full blown cheating. and ok im acting so defensive because im trying to justify things.and yeah . if you can just hear me .. im Stuttering. im so not comfortable of the situation because i have no intention of making them fight. ok we did some flirting but that's it. whoaaah... or ok we did something. and that's it. and there is nothing wrong with my message.. friends do that. we are friends.. (with benefits) lol...

i dont know how would i react. i want to get pissed off. but part of me knows that i don't have the right. because i did something wrong.part of me is starting to get a lil mad now tho' .i dont expect her to be nice to me .. but she shud have asked me a lil nicer.or she should have chosen words that are less " panama".i cannot blame her if she feels jealous. because i know the feeling when someone is trying to text or call your bf.but helller.. her boyfriend deserves some trust. he's a nice guy. hmmm that's my motto in life.. " what you do not know won't hurt you" stop being so nosy.. sometimes that would put your relationship in limbo. because i know that her boyfriend loves her. and that her boyfriend just wants to get into my pants that is why he's flirting back. after he got that... i know what's next.. he'll just be like a BUBBLE.. and that wont happen because i will not let him get into my pants helllouer... im no NUTZ. Im not that stupid. i just enjoy flirting.



huwell.. i atleast i have now reason to stay away.

oh com'on

i have a crush.. wheeew so highschool-ish...

he's not that "gwapo" but there is something about his personality. the more you get to know him the more you get to like him.. LOL. we were outside our office..after LUNCH they were smokin while makin kwento. and i can't help myself. whenever i look at him i end up "STARING" at him.. hayy... and whenever i heard him sing.. it really makes my knees go weak.. Astig tlaga ang boses. hayyy. sarap pakinggan.. but i cant make him sing. so i have to make tiempo pa. in order for me to hear him sing. he said that nobody can make him sing except his girlfriend.. how lucky.

he seems really nice.and he really loves his GF... we always caught him scribbling his GF's name.sigh.. SO lucky.wownezs..he's so proud of his gf.---


whhheeew... i sound so jealous.. technically.

and i miss hugznkisses.
but i have to stay away right.? i really hav to.
i dont want to ruin anything,
and i dont want to start to feel that im really fallin.
but i miss him. i have to accept that.
i still wanna see him and hear his voice. but i dont wanna settle for that. i dont want to be an option. just an option.

and i dont want my feelings to over power me, and i dont want anybody to take advantage of that.i may be " tanga" -talkin about love- i know how to get myself out of that foolishnesz.
and there is something about him that holds me back from really falling.i cannot distinguish what exactly.but i know there is something.. knowing that makes me keep grounded.

DAMN THING

why is it everytime im so decided to stay away and actually staying away, its like you have a radar and that's the time your existense is so felt? like this morning... im so into " i will ignore you" mode and you "actually" made papampam... here goes.. the sitch

me and malou on our way to the washroom..

YOU: icebebi , indi mo ko pinapansin.
me: smiled. but i did not made an eye contact..<>
..... after one hour or 2.

....your txt msgs.
YOU: ganyan pla u. D mu na me pnpncn. may iba ka na plang tropa. sad naman me.
my reply:.....................
YOU: tnwag kita d mu man lang me nilapitan. hmp. ganyan na u.
my reply:.....................
YOU: Akala ko ba miz mko? tapos away mu me.Huhuhu.
my reply:....................
YOU: Tlaga lng ah.
my reply:......................
end of convo


my point is.

WHY?
it
is
so
hard
to
ignore you?

REALIZATION.

I've crossed my line. and it is not good thing. it aint.it's nothing to do with what "happend".I knew the fact from the very start but i still continue to let the seed of LOVE grow.and now i should learn to accept that " YEAH I LIKE HIM" i cannot say "ILOVEHIM" because that is not what I"m feeling.I like him enough to love him soon. and that's not going to happen.I know it. A friend told me that i should just dance with the music.It's easier said than done.It's "katangahan" on my part if i will just ignore this. And just go with the flow. and then what? in the END it is me who's crying.I really dont want that to happen. i know myself better.And i know that if i will not do something about this I'll be all WRECKED.

I hate to put my walls up for just one person. but i have to protect myself.I know it selfish. but nobody will do that for me. i need to do it. I have to do it. I must.it wont be easy. but i don't want to be that girl. IM SORRY.

crazynezs

yes im crazy most of the time. and yeah i act crazy.so what?im the type of person that i do whatever i think will make me happy. i don't care what other people will say or think of me. but of course i value and will respect what my friends & family will think. and i know that whatever i do they will not judge me because they know who the real ICE is.

for the past months i know i've been acting a lil CRAZY<>. there were moments that i feel sad not knowing exactly what's the reason.moments i felt like crying not because im hurt, but because i think that would make me feel better. I don't really understand. i guess i'm emotionally battered? im looking for something that im really not sure what is it.

But i know where all this is coming from.. these are all happening because of my failed relationship with ****.

i don't see myself with him anymore. but there were expectations, plans that we made.. that almost made my world. that i looked forward to in my life and the time our relationship ended. I didnt know where to start, how to start over. I can say i really am over him. but that doesn't mean things will go back to normal. it's been what? 8 months since that happened. and it didnt took me a long time to get back to my feet and go on with my life. But there are some aspect in my life that still needs some healing.

I know that whatever is happening in my life now,how i treat things. how i see things. how i decide are all result of that failure. Im not directly pointing finger to ****. what im saying is that incident had a great impact of what i am now.

i have different ways to cope up--- shopping. sleeping.partying. and then i learned to get drunk. and yeah be drunk.. there where times that i drink 2x a weekfor a couple of months- i didn't tell my friends i was really hurting.. because that time for me "crying" is a sign of weakness which is totally contradictory to my personality because i've always been a crybaby. that i cried over the smallest of things. but at that point i didnt. i didnt cry even in secret, i know im hurt yes but i didnt and cannot admit it and i didnt want to cry. i dont want to shed a single drop of tear. i was mad at the situation. but i did not admit it. there are things i used to do when im lonely that i did not do because im on a denial that i'm hurt.on a denial that for the NTH time i was fooled. and for the NTH time im ALONE again..

since october i didnt cry until MARCH? thanks to my bro's prob. and i will admit that i somehow used that incident to pour all the bottled up emotions.actually it was the tear jerker. i felt that its about time i cry. time to really let go of the bitterness , let go of the pain.

I had another relationship that lasted WOW.. its not even 3 months. GREATNEZS. i quited because i felt i was taken for granted. i dont want to have things happen again --- ok i'm a quitter, i just felt it won't worth the try so i had to let go. and i felt that ++++ is somehow in doubt of my feelings for him. and i dont like that. -- im such a manipulative bitch-- i cannot manipulate him. i cant have him do what i want. he has a stronger personality than i have.--lol
seriously, i think since we decided to be a couple ... the spark went out... i felt he lost his sense of humor.. he didnt , he cannot appreciate that small things that can make me happy. my friends know me--(sooper babaw ako na tao). he will always contradict the things i say.we dont agree even to small things.- i knew that we were in the relationship because.

and now im on my way to nothingnesz--- i have no concrete plans for my life.. i was talking to my lola last night about me going to "cali" but i didnt feel anything. no EXCITEMENT. and my dad was like..." im not aware of what your lola is talking about. we will still talk about it with your titos." i said "alright". i dont know exactly what i want to happen now. im literally takin life one day at a time.i take every second every minute and every hour of it.senseless right?

Im totally wrecked..
overly exhausted.


my feelings now are on limbo.i dont know where i should be. im starting to fall for someone that i should not be falling for in the first place.

to wrap this up...

im in my life where i only see what i want to see. hear things that i want to hear. and feel things that i want to feel. IM SELFISH.

and i want to cry.
i want to shout
i want to express myself
i want to be the OLD ice because im really a different person now, and im not liking what im becoming.