i dont want to be emotional that's why i stopped watching tv bec it has something to do with confronting one's feeling and i dont want to confront mine. sigh- why do i have to be on this situation- i know that these are the result of all my actions- and the only person to be blamed why im here is no one else but me-


im praying that i'll have the wisdom to understand all this and to find solution to everything- im asking for God's guidance-

FRUSTRATING

how can some people cant seem to understand.... it so hard to let them understand that hings aren't the way it used to be- that "ADJUST" is the word- . it's just frustrating that you cannot make them understand that they 're suppossed to be partners- they are supposed to work together. they should undestand what eachoder is going through-- aaargh-

hurting

.. i dont want to think that im actually hurting right now- well im pretending im not- and that sux- yes it does.whenever i meet someone--and see them as someone i will share something special with i always make it a point that i let them know that i hate expectations-who does anyway. because im not good with disappointments.--its just frustrating that u've waited for soemthing to happen and it is within your reach and suddenly BOOOM- its no longer there- like a bubble- bursted after hitting something hard. to be more specific-(i actually dont want to be specific .bec im afraid "he" will learn about this blog acctand be able to read all the stuff in here which was posted before we became "we") anywaay--- i do not have work today until forever- so he is until friday night- so we usually would spend it together. but bec it's my mom's bday tom- we do not have anything planned for the two of us bec ofcourse we want to spend time with my mon on her birthday.so what we did was he asked me to pick him up after work that 12:30 pm, he texted me saying that his team8s asked him if he can have atleast 2 bottles of beer.so i said that's fine with me- so i went with them - i had a great time bec i know all his team8s. we were done by 5pm. He asked what else do i want to do - so i said i want to go see a movie (wanted by angelina jolie.) and then he asked me what else do i have in mind after that i said. i dunno- for me it was like come what may- wherever our feet will lead us. and then he was like "what? you still dont know?-- i've been asking you this since yesterday and you cant still give me an answer?"- i know what is it that he wants to know- he wants to know if we will be spending the night together or what--i honestly do not know yet bec i have to ofcourse let my mom know that i wont be going home -til tomorrow.


my point is--- we do not have to plan everything . spontaneity is a great thing- it wouldnt be like by 12 pm i should be here
by 1pm i should be doing this- and yadda yadda yadda. do you get where this is going?


we ended up not seeing the movie and both pissed. and all we want was to spend time together.

after all the things that had happen I realized one thing -- one major thing... that because of all the hurts i experienced with my past relationship which i thought is my 1st and last relationship. Now i've become a person who i thought was fearless, risk-taker and all out- is now afraid and scared of commitment. Now i understand why for the past months i found myself settling for a " no string attach" relationship- for a no expectation set up-
and i know it isnt good- i know that it isnt healthy, that i know sooner or later i should really start stepping up from that - crappy crap crap---

and now i'm faced with a possibility-
and im not quite sure what to do--
im more into assuming mode right now- but i know deep in my heart that there is something that im just trying to deny- because IM afraid- because i just can't - i wouldnt


que cera cera

what ever will be will be--

NYE

since this is where i can really be myslf-- i'm glad that we're now ok. initiatives came from his end.
we were at the office. he was "floorwalking" and my supervisor asked him to track our hourly calls.. he have no choice but to ofcourse track mine, hows that?! i didnt expect that he would really get mine. because he always refuses to come even a meter close to me. i remember one time i came to work not so late but almost so i was rushing to my station or i should say reserved station by malou. i didnt know i will be sitting across him which was like a meter away. i saw a familiar bag,. but i didnt realize that it was his, then i saw him setting up the computer from another bay.then i realized ok.. he's moving away. i was a little insulted by it. because that time for me it was really nothing,. i dont care if we sit across eachother or what not!! i mean i couldnt care less, really. but anywei,. going back to the story, i doubt that he would come to me and get my "hourly" so i was surprised when i was in a middle of a call a man stood next to me reach for my tracker saying not a word then give my tracker back to my face with a smile on his face, a smile that actually says HI. which for the longest time was never heard from either one of us, honestly it was a relief that atleast and FINALLY he did it. and i know it was a sign that we should be atleast civil with eachother, and then he was promoted to be a supervisor and he has to handle our team for two days,. i saw him looking at me with that very familiar look in his eyes,with a "closed-mouth " smile on his face- if i were to ask what it meant?! it meant he wanted to say I MISS YOU. i cant remember how i responded., because it shocked the hell outta me. for almost three months we never looked into eachothers eyes, like we used to. it gave me an uncomfortable feeling that at that very moment he's looking at me . staring at me,



in short...

im just happy with how the way it is now,