venting out!

no one knows i have this blog. I have account in FRIENDSTER, MULTIPLY, FACEBOOK EVEN IN RINGO i dont know where else. i cannot put this in friendster because I know a lot of people will be able to read this. and i dont really want them to know how am doing..


IM A GREAT PRETENDER

im pretending that Im happy. sad? right? and i hate it... i wanted to open up. but i dont want them to think im weak. and i know that they'll tell me that i shouldn't be feeling like that way. in short .. if i tell them im infact affected with the things around the blame will all be mine!. and i just dont want them to know that while the "guy " involve is living his life here i am.. sufferring.. and stil;l moving on!



i try to mask the feeling but there's this one person that triggers all the emotions to bubble up!! funny thing about it is that i dont really know hu he is! how?

here goes:


few week ago i received text message from UNKNOWN number. = number that is not stored in my phone! the message was like all EMO. talking about emotions. love and how hard it is to love. or i should stop loving the person who i think loves me in return. which kinda" praning". i asked him hu is he? but i did not get the answer that i wanted instead he continued to shower me with those emo quotes.. i didnt give much attention because he's probably one of those trippers and i do not have time for that!


and then the day before yesterday.. he texted me again. but this time it is more conversational.
at the middle of the night i got a "hi" message from him. he rang my phone that made my brother came up to my mom's room where at that time im asleep. so yeah- i replied hu is this?

he did not tell his name. and i hate it. but he knows me. he knows me very well i supposed - and that made me more intrigued. with how the way our conversation goes. i had a lot of people in mind that im guessing are just making fun of the situation.

well to start of. TEXTING -- or more of anonymous texting is very much on the rise in my circle of friends. i dunno who would do this to me! but i hate that he's making me feel so lonely.

" im glad sa text nakakusap kita"-
" nahihiya kasi ako sau sa tagl ng di ntin paguusap"

i hope this is him.

yeah i miss him.

i miss him a lot

but i dont want to be transparent or i dont want to be the first one to come up to him and make PEACE-- it's not pride it is self-respect!

i'll see him tonight in the office. and i dont want to project a sad aura!
i want to cry?! i want to let all the bottled up emotion out.. but there is no tears to cry .. no guts to try!

as JOKAI once told me " you should first love yourself ice"
and i should. I must do that.


message to you:

if ever it's you. you are not helping me.. you just made me feel more frustrated. and if ever all the things you've said are all true.. then im glad that it wasnt that easy for you after all.. atleast im not the only one strugling. - ice

♥

been two months.

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im not really dying... though i have to be honest part of me indeed died because of what happend recently... I knew it was coming.. but never did i imagined that it'll be this tough, this hard!


i see him almost everyday but unlike before... now i dont have the freedom to look at him not because im not allowed to but because i chose not to. It is so hard for you not to throw glances.arrghgh...and wishing not to be caught what makes it more difficult?! You share the same friends. so it is so impossible not to hear anything about him. not to know what's up with him... not that i hate it. it's JUST THAT somehow that sitch is making it harder. isnt that kewl?

open letter

Hi! I'm sorry if somehow you thought my actions were a lil offensive-- i didn't mean it. and im really sorry about that.im explaining because i don't want you think that i did not respect you and your relationship. about the friendster account? it was out of fun. it started when we were teasing ***** about how good he sings. and we thought of coming up with a "fans club" since im the most "friendster addict" i volunteered to do it. it was really out fun.everybody was like " naku sige baka sumikat yan si ***** atleast tau una nya fan" i didnt realized that it cud affect you in one way or another.. about the status? i thought it won't be a big deal so i didnt give much attention to it. since all the people in our office knows *****'s taken. and it's friendster. so i just leave it that way, i didnt bother to change it.. and everyone or most of them knows that i made the account and ***** has his own. so its more like trippings lng talaga. and im sorry kung iba ung naging dating nun sa'yo.

sa voicemessage, ***** is a friend. and it is a simple greeting.i dont have to explain why i did it , because thats the way i do things. especially to close friends. ***** is such a gentleman, and he is not the kind who'll take advantage of girls. and i know you know that. kaya palagay ung loob sa boyfriend mo dahil alam ko na indi xa ung tipo ng lalake na mag tatake advantage. and ***** is so vocal when it comes to his feelings towards you.we know how much he loves you.

yun lang. im sorry talaga. i didnt mean any harm. and please don't think na im tyring to ruin whatever you have.. because i have no single intention of doing that. babae din ako. and im not like that.

overviewed pain

i know it's coming-- very soon .. real soon...

we became closer than ever.-
from the simple hi and hello
came kulitan.
now? we almost embrace eachother, hold hands,
and we vocally tell each other to take care. or simply tell eachother how we like eachother in different ways.
some people around us (i know) are starting to give their own " pretty strong" opinion about the "friendship" we share. and i know some of them are doing it out of care. and some are just nosy enough.

i dont know what to feel.. i dont know how to react on the situation that im in---- i love what i'm doing i mean... it makes me feel good.. im happpy when im with him. im feel special whenevr he shows me that i should be treated better,

i know he was jealous last day when i accidentally went a wrong message to him.. the message was for a guy friend. and texted me to stand up from my station and just smile which i didnt do.but i had a feeling that if i smile it will lighten uo the feeling he is feeling. watever it is.

i dont want to cry.. but i know im hurting. because i know i cant really have him./ and i know that from the very beginning. and it is me to blame why im hurting right now. im glad, happy that i know somehow he appreciate me. and i know that even before i felt that i like him. he already like me. which flatters me all the time... as in everytime i think about it.because i never thought that someone like him would really find me attractive.

i like the way he touches my face. the way he puts his arms around me.( without really having the intention of hugging me). the way he looks at me. or i like it everytime i caught him staring at me.

i like everything about him. and im sure about that. it just not like him

i adore him, i really like him.

the sad thing?

it will be just like that.. nothing more

we will just continue wit the friendship kesa sa wala...

overwhelmed

im overwhelmed by the situation..

let me share it..
here goes..

i didnt notice him the first time i set foot in 12th floor. im talking about the very first time. maybe because i was preoccupied by the task that was given to us that i wasn't able to pay attention to the people around me.
the next time i was on that floor . i sure noticed him, there was something about him that attracted me. but it wasnt really for long. because i learned that a friend of mine had a crush on him. so i didnt entertain that thought of me diggin on him as well. so whenever i see him there was a gush of emotion but it wasnt like the way i felt for hugzNkisses. it was a simple " yeah i like him"

then i found out that he asked for my number from one of the 'L2's' but he gave it to his friend. and blah. then finally. We got to know eachother because we are in the same account. same team..but before that seeing him in the same class as mine brought a 'kilig factor' ofcors. he wasnt the type to really make an effort to say hi. but whenever we bumped into eachother we exchanged smile. but that was it. until one day i dunno what came into me that i approached him and i make kulit. im asking him to sing. but ofcors he ddnt do it. that how it started. then we were in the same team. we weren't that close yet when we first have our team it was more like casual closeness.

then ofcors we shared lots of good laughs. having the most wackiest,hilarious boys in cricket. darn it was full of good laugh.

after team building.i knew there was somthing. because i always caught him staring. more of a blank stare. and i learned that he still remembers what i was wearing the first time he saw me..
and he told me that he knew i like hugzNkisses way back turbotax days, he even told me that he's asking things bout me.( i didnt give malice to that because i know that his friend tried to hit on me.) so my reason actually his reason as well is because of that friend that is why he was interested on me. and never in my entire dream have i thought that somebody like him will actually be interested on me. so yeah.

then the million dollar question came up. ' WHO'S YOUR CRUSH' yeah . he has a crush .it started when he told me that its hard for him to have a crush.and that he's holding back . so i made kulit again about it. then he described the girl as mabait. maganda magsmile.maganda lumakad.

and in deed it was ME.

wowness. isnt that exciting.?


that explains everything. the stare. the getures.everything..
so we became a lil more close.. like we make 'harutan' in our bay- or he'd come to my station and vice versa--

until one day.... i had a talk with his 'co- lagkitan' boys-theysaid that prolly he was just being a gentleman to me that is why whenever i make kulit he cant push me away. ... and i felt real bad about it.as in i was supah affected by those 'statements.' one said that she felt ' umiwas xa' when i was asking him to sit beside me.. that when it was happening i didnt felt that way becoz he was actually makin me come to him instead.but still it hit me. darn bad.so i decided its is time for me to stay away. i dont want my co-workers to think that im makin all the effort - and im going a mile or maybe- flirting with him.so i wasnt really in the mood- or i was depressed- still depressed even after sleeping. or what not. i went to the office with a very not so good feeling,. then i saw them in front of our office havong their cigar break.the usual thingthat wud happen is that i wud join them, but i didnt instead,, i went straight upstairs, but i said hi to everyone.

then when they were upstairs.. he approached me and asked me whats wrong. i said nothing. he was too patient to comfort me.. or just talk to me..it wasnt really like total iwas. its just staying away ... like i wont make harutan with him. but he was very persistent.he wud touch my hair. assured me that he will be listening if ever i want to talk about it... it felt gud atleast my coworkers knows that im not the one hu always make lapit.

and then -- he wud always make lapit na.. like every aux training or what not.. he wud sit beside me.or spend the rest of the time with me. .. and then a friend of mine told me that she needs to talk to me.i know what it is about.. then she asked me.. what is the real score . becoz another friend thinks that there is something between us.( w/c is so not true) and i learned that someone knows about his CRUSH. and one of my friend actually knows about it.wheeew.and she has a pretty strong opinion of the what we so called friendship i share with 'it'


here is the thing---

i dont have plans of ruining anything. its either his discipline or his relationship.
im just enjoying his company. we are enjoying eachoders company.

i know that u are concern about me and i thank you for that. it just shows that it's not just the boys that we share.. it is FRIENDSHIP.

whhh00ah

i dont know how to describe the situation i'm into... i find it funny tho' it's like there is one thing in my life that is happening again the difference.. i'm the "other woman"...

wow. i cannot believe im in this situation. and im the one who's being asked "cno ka?" i dont mean any harm.. or ok.. im guilty. yes. but im mean her bf did something.something. ok it's cheating.. but more like half way cheating.. not full blown cheating. and ok im acting so defensive because im trying to justify things.and yeah . if you can just hear me .. im Stuttering. im so not comfortable of the situation because i have no intention of making them fight. ok we did some flirting but that's it. whoaaah... or ok we did something. and that's it. and there is nothing wrong with my message.. friends do that. we are friends.. (with benefits) lol...

i dont know how would i react. i want to get pissed off. but part of me knows that i don't have the right. because i did something wrong.part of me is starting to get a lil mad now tho' .i dont expect her to be nice to me .. but she shud have asked me a lil nicer.or she should have chosen words that are less " panama".i cannot blame her if she feels jealous. because i know the feeling when someone is trying to text or call your bf.but helller.. her boyfriend deserves some trust. he's a nice guy. hmmm that's my motto in life.. " what you do not know won't hurt you" stop being so nosy.. sometimes that would put your relationship in limbo. because i know that her boyfriend loves her. and that her boyfriend just wants to get into my pants that is why he's flirting back. after he got that... i know what's next.. he'll just be like a BUBBLE.. and that wont happen because i will not let him get into my pants helllouer... im no NUTZ. Im not that stupid. i just enjoy flirting.



huwell.. i atleast i have now reason to stay away.

oh com'on

i have a crush.. wheeew so highschool-ish...

he's not that "gwapo" but there is something about his personality. the more you get to know him the more you get to like him.. LOL. we were outside our office..after LUNCH they were smokin while makin kwento. and i can't help myself. whenever i look at him i end up "STARING" at him.. hayy... and whenever i heard him sing.. it really makes my knees go weak.. Astig tlaga ang boses. hayyy. sarap pakinggan.. but i cant make him sing. so i have to make tiempo pa. in order for me to hear him sing. he said that nobody can make him sing except his girlfriend.. how lucky.

he seems really nice.and he really loves his GF... we always caught him scribbling his GF's name.sigh.. SO lucky.wownezs..he's so proud of his gf.---


whhheeew... i sound so jealous.. technically.

and i miss hugznkisses.
but i have to stay away right.? i really hav to.
i dont want to ruin anything,
and i dont want to start to feel that im really fallin.
but i miss him. i have to accept that.
i still wanna see him and hear his voice. but i dont wanna settle for that. i dont want to be an option. just an option.

and i dont want my feelings to over power me, and i dont want anybody to take advantage of that.i may be " tanga" -talkin about love- i know how to get myself out of that foolishnesz.
and there is something about him that holds me back from really falling.i cannot distinguish what exactly.but i know there is something.. knowing that makes me keep grounded.